You Paired Me With Who!
by jennyellen
Summary: The various characters of Harry Potter write to voice their outrage over who they've been paired with on fanfiction ! Please read and review!
1. Hermione Weasley nee Granger

Dear writers of fanfiction,

You paired me with Malfoy. You paired me with Professor Snape _(shudder_). You even paired me with Fred. But by far the worst was when you paired me with Harry. Harry! He's like a brother to me. He IS my brother in all but name! It's practically incest!

So, in order to solve this problem,I suggest you buy yourselves a pair of glasses and actually READ the Harry Potter series. If you did, you would know that I actually married RON because I love him. Not Malfoy (_weirdos),_ Not Professor Snape _(sickos),_ Not Fred _(words fail me)_ and certainly not Harry! Practically incest...

Yours sincerely, Hermione WEASLEY


	2. Rose Weasley

Dear writers of fanfiction,

You paired me with James? Well, that IS incest. I'm not even going to waste my breath on that one... It will only waste time and I've got homework due on Monday.

Lots of love,

Rose Weasley

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading!Please review to tell me what you thought and suggest any more wacky and wonderful pairings you've come across!<strong>

**JennyEllen**


	3. Harry Potter

Dear Writers of Fanfiction,

You paired me with Malfoy? You're the same people who think I'm pregnant and a transvestite, aren't you? I think that speaks volumes.

I married GINNY. I'm alive because of my love for GINNY.

Yours wierded out,

Harry (_not Harriet_) Potter

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading!Please review to tell me what you thought and suggest any more wacky and wonderful pairings you've come across!<strong>

**JennyEllen**


	4. Ginny Potter nee Weasley

To those of you who paired me with Tom Riddle,

*Casts Bat Bogey Hex*

You're evil and mean and twisted.

Lots of hate,

Ginny POTTER

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for reading!Please review to tell me what you thought and suggest any more wacky and wonderful pairings you've come across!<strong>

**JennyEllen**


	5. Lily Luna Potter

Dear writers of fanfiction,

You paired me with Sirius Black? Really? As in my Dad's godfather and my Grandad's best friend, Sirius Black?

Would YOU fall in love with YOUR Grandad's best friend? Just picture that.

Just thought you might also like to know that not only is Sirius Black 48 years older than me, but he's also DEAD.

And, to go to St. Mungos for a psychiatric assessment, all you need to do is go to Purge and Dowse Ltd. In central London, find a dummy and say that you're there for an assessment.

Best Wishes and Good Luck,

Lily Luna xxx

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for reading!Please review to tell me what you thought and suggest any more wacky and wonderful pairings you've come across!<strong>

**JennyEllen**


	6. James Sirius Potter

Dear Writers of Fanfiction,

Just thought that you might like to know that I am NOT gay. Because I'm not gay, it means that I am NOT in love with Teddy, Scorpius, Fred, Louis... OR Justin Finch Fletchley. Once I'd actually asked my Dad who the hell that was, I can confidently tell you that I am not in love with a random Hufflepuff who I've never heard of, never met and is 24 years older than me.

Make sure to catch the match on Saturday, we're going to hammer Slytherin!

Love to any pretty girls out there,

James Sirius Potter

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for reading!Please review to tell me what you thought and suggest any more wacky and wonderful pairings you've come across!<strong>

**JennyEllen**


	7. Scorpius Malfoy

Dear Writers of Fanfiction,

You paired me with Albus Potter? Haha, legends!

For a psychiatric assessment, all you need to do is go to St. Mungos at Purge and Dowse Ltd. In central London, speak to a dummy and tell them you're a mentalist.

Best Wishes and Good Luck,_ (you'll need it!)_

Scorpius Malfoy

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for reading!Please review to tell me what you thought and suggest any more wacky and wonderful pairings you've come across!<strong>

**JennyEllen**


	8. Sirius Black

Dear Writers of Fanfiction,

You paired me with Moony! Really? Siriusly?

LMFAO! Made my day!

Love to any hot, bikini-wearing babes out there,

Sirius Black

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for reading!Please review to tell me what you thought and suggest any more wacky and wonderful pairings you've come across!<strong>

**JennyEllen**


	9. Severus Snape

Dear Writers of Fanfiction,

The only person I ever want to be paired with is Lily.

I love Lily. Always. Even in death.

And even then, when I read those stories, it breaks my heart because I know that my love for her will never be returned. She loves Potter. She'll never love me in that way. She'll never marry me or have my children because ultimately she's never coming back.

(_and it's all my fault_)

Severus Snape.

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for reading!Please review to tell me what you thought and suggest any more wacky and wonderful pairings you've come across!<strong>

**JennyEllen**


	10. Draco Malfoy

Dear Writers of Fanfiction,

You paired me with the mudblood? I'd never risk my bloodline like that. And anyway, have you seen her hair? Her teeth? Her posture? Her skinny ankles?

Yours Angrily,

Draco Malfoy

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for reading!Please review to tell me what you thought and suggest any more wacky and wonderful pairings you've come across!<strong>

**JennyEllen**


	11. Victoire Weasley

Dear writers of fanfiction,

Some people have paired me with Professor Longbottom! I laughed so hard when I heard, then I realised they weren't joking! You think I'd choose old, plump, nice but nervous Professor Longbottom over Teddy?

Still laughing,

Victoire Weasley

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for reading!Please review to tell me what you thought and suggest any more wacky and wonderful pairings you've come across!<strong>

**JennyEllen**


	12. Ron Weasley

Dear Writers of Fanfiction,

You paired me with Eloise Midgeon?Have you lost your minds?(_actually don't answer that_..) Have you seen her face recently? You think I'd choose her over Hermione? I love Hermione! She loves me! Get that in your heads! And in the words of my dearest wife, **READ THE BOOK!** (_did I really just say that_?) You'll see that I've never even spoken to Eloise Midgeon.

(not-so-much) love,

Ron Weasley

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for reading!Please review to tell me what you thought and suggest any more wacky and wonderful pairings you've come across!<strong>

**JennyEllen**


	13. Lily Potter nee Evans

Dear writers of fanfiction,

I married JAMES because I loved JAMES. Get that in your thick skulls you idiotic toerags! Harry POTTER is my son with JAMES POTTER.

Love,

Lily xxx

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for reading!Please review to tell me what you thought and suggest any more wacky and wonderful pairings you've come across!<strong>

**JennyEllen**


	14. Seamus Finnigan

Dear Writers of Fanfiction,

I'm not gay. I'm not in love with Dean. And, in case you were wondering, I'm not a leprechaun.

Yours truly,

Seamus Finegann

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for reading!Please review to tell me what you thought and suggest any more wacky and wonderful pairings you've come across!<strong>

**JennyEllen**


	15. James Potter I

Lils, the secret's out. They've guessed it. Those genius's have guessed it. They've discovered my most closely guarded secret. They've foiled my dastardly plan.

That's right folks, the writers of fanfiction have discovered my one true love.

Yes, I, James Potter, am not in love with Lily Potter, my wife and mother of my son, the one who I asked out a record 423 times whilst at Hogwarts and who is the most beautiful, kind woman on this earth. No. I am not in love with her. Oh no. I am in love with Snivellus Snape. That's right folks, you guessed it. You clever people saw right through my act of course, you psychoanalysed me and your quick witted brains soon realised that my bullying and apparent hatred of old Snivellus throughout my Hogwarts career was just a clever ploy to disguise the fact that I was madly in love with the stinky slimeball. Obviously, I wanted to show the world his underwear and hex him into oblivion because I found that greasy hair, hooked nose and those large grey granny pants simply irresistible...

Or not. I love Lily and she loves me. End of story.

Still laughing at your twisted, freaky imaginations,

James Potter


End file.
